I have to write this because Facebook (legacy) removed a section that was where I wrote one of my first musings, back in 2006 probably. So generally, I am recalling by memory, although how I wish I could find that again so that I can read into my thoughts as a young teenager. I have since learned how invaluable it is to keep records of my writing because they capture such a precise moment in time. This particular topic comes to mind every so often because I still don’t have an answer, even to do this day, so it puts me into a thought-provoking and meaningful reflection each time.
It all started with a TV drama in Mandarin. There are not many shows that I watch in Mandarin… too much mental effort and linguistic cartwheels. However, the few ones I do/have watched, it’s usually because the plot or characters make a strong impression with me that sticks beyond just temporary entertainment (admittedly, it helps when the male lead is eye candy). Perhaps it is the rarity and mental effort required to watch the show that forces deeper understanding and 让我想多一下.
深情密碼 — it was a show with 3 protagonists: Taiwanese, Korean, and Cantonese. That isn’t really an important aspect, but it was also one of my first exposures to watching a show in a mix of Cantonese and Mandarin (the Korean actress played a mute…) so the language code-switching was really a challenge that I enjoyed, in order to keep up with the characters. Even now, I enjoy chasing the Chinese subtitles trying to match them up with the Mandarin I’m hearing and translating into Cantonese. Anyways, I digress.
The show challenged me because the main character discovered he had a terminal illness. Rather than letting his family and friends know though, he chose to hide his illness from them. In some ways, he would be aloof or cold-shouldered, angering his loved ones, so that he could be gone for weeks when his symptoms would react. He would hide out in a second home and suffer alone. His reasoning was that he did not want others to suffer sadness and grief watching his health deteriorate; he did not want them to feel the emotional pain of awaiting his death. He made that decision for them, by hiding his illness. Instead, he would pretend to be mean, rude, and unlike himself in order to force his loved ones to distance from him. They would be hurt, but by his logic, that hurt is less than that of watching him die. He would suffer the pain himself, alone, away from others while his sickness got worse, thinking that he is sparing the others this time of pain. He also did not want to have their pity, in seeing him in a pathetic state as a sick patient (he was a well-regarded, successful and handsome young man). During this time, he prepared many gifts to be discovered after his death. There were videos, photos, letters, explaining all the feelings and encouragement that he wanted to share with his loved ones, but only for them to have after he was gone. He decided for them, that it would be a shorter period of pain when they only need to mourn him after, rather than during the extra months leading up to his death.
When I watched this, I really wondered. Was hiding his illness sparing them from pain? Or was that denying them of extra time with him, which also results in regret and anther form of pain after he was gone? I did not know the answer. I still do not know. From the perspective of the loved ones, I would want to know, so that I can be with him during the difficult time, to love and cherish whatever time we had left together. At the same time, there is so much pain when watching someone you love deteriorate and be helpless, just waiting for death to come; perhaps not knowing until there is nothing left can be a saving grace. After he died, all his friends and family felt regret and despair because they never had a chance to tell him everything that they wanted; there is always unfinished business. This is still a situation that I have not come to terms with as to whether what he did was right, or better, for his loved ones. Was it just more selfish of him to not give them that opportunity for a proper goodbye? It is often easy to forget that after you’ve died, those who are left behind carry the forever burden of missing you or holding regrets.
Another point I remember thinking as a teenager, was what to do when you’re given the diagnosis of a terminal illness. The character knew there was no cure or therapy to stop his imminent death, but he continued to carry on each day, pretending it was normal, while just waiting for the illness to claim his life. I wonder, if it is such a guaranteed thing, would you want to put death on your own terms and do something high-thrill or risky? Like racing on a motorcycle or jumping out of planes. I can understand an elderly person staying in the hospital waiting for the simple, natural death. This character was a young man, you might have said his illness already didn’t fit a timeline for a natural death, and on healthy days, he had the strength to have teased his fate more adventurously. Would I do the same and wait for the natural death or essentially do something suicidal just so I can beat death by a few months?
The questions of teenage me are still the questions of adult me.
